yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
