dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you had me at cake vodka
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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