The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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