??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
