when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
