I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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