I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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