perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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