and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
