quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
