The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
