Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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