I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
