I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
where are you?
Hypothermia
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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