Did I show you my penis last night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
