dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
