shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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