Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
