Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
