I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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