My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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