I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
