i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
stop calling my apartment porn island.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
