did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You left your phone here
Wait...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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