do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
