I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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