I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
