Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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