I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
