She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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