this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is the high leading the old right now
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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