Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
