This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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