What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
