You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize