Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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