From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
