i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
