Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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