I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
