There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
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it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
True college students do jello shots in the library
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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