Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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