life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
