Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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