I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
