i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
