I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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