you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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