I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
