Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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