I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
