I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He did a backflip because drugs
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
