Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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