I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Randomize
