You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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